Building Rapport

I wanted to show you this bit from a Newsweek article as a good example of how you can blend definitions into the text. But now, I can’t resist suggesting that it would be improved by some sculpting of the information. The second sentence is 45 words and the length contributes to making it a tough read. Sculpting reduces the cognitive load of the number of words.

What do you think?

“At least five large, randomized controlled studies have analyzed treatments for stable heart patients who have nothing worse than mild chest pain.

The studies compared invasive procedures including angioplasty, in which a surgeon mechanically widens a blocked blood vessel by crushing the fatty deposits called plaques; stenting, or propping open a vessel with wire mesh; and bypass surgery, grafting a new blood vessel onto a blocked one.”

Here is the second sentence after a rework.

The studies compared invasive procedures, including:

• angioplasty

in which a surgeon mechanically widens a blocked blood vessel by crushing the fatty deposits called plaques

• stenting

propping open a vessel with wire mesh

• bypass surgery

grafting a new blood vessel onto a blocked one.

So-named because they are examples of zealous over-editing, whiz deletions happen when the editor strikes out the relative pronouns which and that.

Dominique Joseph has commented on these elsewhere:

As a Francophone and a translator, I can confirm that keeping the “whiz” words in makes the text clearer and easier to understand. When “whiz” words are deleted, it can be tricky to figure out the underlying structure of the sentence and the relationships between words or ideas.

1. From “Rules for writing plain English”, by Bill Lutz (http://www.plainlanguagenetwork.org/Resources/lutz.htm#anchor)

Bill Lutz says we should avoid “whiz deleletions”, which he explains as follows:

Subordinate clauses are often introduced by such words as “which is,” “who was,” “that are,” etc. Deleting these words (the relative pronoun and linking verb) is known as “whiz-deletion.” For example:

1.The supervisor wants the report which was written by the Purchasing Office.
With a whiz-deletion we get:

2.The supervisor wants the report written by the Purchasing Office.
The whiz-deletion makes sentence 2 ambiguous. Does the supervisor want the Purchasing Office to write the report, or does she want the report that the Purchasing Office has already written? Generally, it’s a good idea to avoid whiz-deletions.

(source: http://www.plainlanguagenetwork.org/Resources/lutz.htm#anchor)

2. From “Revisiting Plain Language”, by Beth Mazur (http://www.plainlanguage.gov/whatisPL/history/mazur.cfm)

One such guideline is the suggestion to “avoid whiz deletions.” A whiz deletion is the absence of introductory text for subordinate clauses. The Guidelines offer the comparison between the sentence “The director wants the report which was written by the Home Office.” and “The director wants the report written by the Home Office” (Felker and others 1981, pp. 39-40). This guideline was based on direct research done by Charrow and Charrow (1978). In their extensive study of jury instructions, these authors found that whiz deletions made jury instructions harder to understand (Felker and others 1981).

Framing Your Message
Help your reader get the picture…

Make your communication more effective but paying attention to more than vocabulary and grammar.

By filtering out distractions and barriers to effective communication, some writing techniques ensure that your message is received as sent. Plain language process also produces content that is easily accessed. One way this can be assured is framing your message.

In-text message framing uses word or phrase “frames” that situate your message in a context as an aid to comprehension. Framing creates a structure or framework to hang your message on. A good frame is the underpinning that helps your message get built and stay built. Words or strings of words that are used to define, repeat or reinforce your message are called in-text framing… Read the full article